the gypsies are always right

notes by the side of the bed.

A chorus part that is stucked in my head.

'Train comes I don't know its destination
it's a one way ticket to a mad man's situation'

and a mad man's situation for sure.

anyway, remember those times when you were young,
when old aunties always say that you will grow up to be a very cute person,
and all the girls will be all after you, squirming around, touching themselves?

well sweetie, they lied.
and when you get older,
reality kicks in and the ever judgemental human beings come out and play.
and rate each other's hotness with no mercy.
judging eyes scan up and down your love handles, bloated face
and untreated skin.

okay my point is, vote for my goodlooking friend,

Marvin.

'Train comes I don't know its destination
it's a one way ticket to a mad man's situation'

your crankiness has arrived.

i am in this mode of fluctuated mood.

i feel so cranky and then jumpy.

i feel like beating things up.

i feel like baking.

i feel angry.

i feel like exercising.

i feel tired.

i feel stressed.

i feel like going to the beach.

i feel so frustrated over little things.

i feel like sowing.

i feel like cursing every now and then.

but mostly i feel like punching a person. or ten.

OH FUCKING GOODNESS.

stoned and died.

i am tired of deciphering.
i know i don't have to.
but its addictive.
i want it to stop.
but it continue on just like that.
why not settle down in a conclusion and draw the lines.
i am drained. really drained.
i wish for the better.

i had the strangest dream.
it was a collage of everything that i care about.
everything that plays in my head during those quiet times.
it made me realise how far apart everything is.
a huge gap filled with awkwardness and hesitance.

it also made me realise how far you have gone.

with all the new fancies that you have.
has everything been breached?
or am i still dwelling on the past.

the injustice.

i enjoy the occasional lunch. i feel secure and loved.

that's why i do not mind walking quite a distance for it

i vent anger and rant about life in the cigarette smoke-filled air. well not anymore.

i've gone cold turkey. so no fags and a hope for the better.

anyway i came across remarks like my eye bags are damn deep.

or i am a fat person but still binging on food.

and after a year of not meeting long lost acquaintances, they greeted me with 'omg ur fat!'.

so hence the hunt for cucumbers, desperate need to sleep and cutting down on binging moments.

call me vain but im just self cautious.

on a lighter note, things seem to get better. just that i'm super broke.

i need some sugar!

i feel like burning the world.

i am so down on my luck nowadays. i feel cursed, somehow. bad things after another.

never ending. i cannot focus on the positive side because there's no any.

so don't blame me for being so pessimistic.so many things, i want to rant about,

but my fat fingers are way too lazy.

my whole purpose of a blog is to rant and be emo about things so i'm gonna do one rant.

there i was doing my work using the school's computer,
feeling satisfied and excited to meet the rest,

i saved the 3/4 finished file, intending to finish it at home.

but after i saved it, the screen froze. so the programme stopped working.

then a small pop-up boxed appeared stating that the file was badly DAMAGED!

so you should be able to foresee how the cookie crumbles.

some veins popped up, followed by some vulgarities hurled and a curse to the world.

and sooo i dragged my fat ass home early, even though i was tempted not to

and join the rest for drinks, i got home and did my work and it was 3/4 done.

exactly the same where i stopped working on the previous file.

i fell asleep, being tired and all.i woke up at ten a.m, and ta-dah! the file's GONE! fuck.

i have to do it thrice. for one fucking concept board.

argh. the frustrations. and i was late for class.

urgh. and so many things.i hate this.

and sometimes i just can't be bothered explaining myself of why the absence or late coming,

its just another excuse to the rest of the world and i partially blame myself for it.

for now, i see myself as a bitter old person, with eye bags so deep,

it can hold enough water to feed a family in india.

there are so much of negative energy around me,

the dark clouds can't help but to linger above my head wherever i go.

the negativity are attracting all the bad lucks in the world and here i am!

walking around feeling down and heavy. heavy for various reasons.

let's just say the stairs are not my friend anymore.

so i just want to fret about it. be angry and bitter.

give snide faces to people.and keep on asking, WHY?!

for now.

i hope things will get better. i kinda regret breaking mirrors for my art project.

maybe that was it. 7 years of bad luck.

let me count. 1 year, 2 years, 3 years... 4 MORE YEARS TO GO!

if it is true.

i feel like burning the world.

and watch the flame grow while creating the array of beautiful colours.

the hot steam slowly dispersing up into the air,

as the amber dances around it.

and then i will smile.

i'm living in my own world.

i'm living in my own world.
what i see as subtle indications.
what i see as nods and appreciation.
what i see as a smile.
all are not what i assumed to be.

i'm living in my own world.
where i'm still hoping to find a splatter of blue,
in the sky that was painted a ferocious grey.

i'm living in my own world.
as i see a pot of joy lies ahead,
at the other end of a small, winding, narrow road
that will lead me to where the seven vivid colours are.

i'm living in my own world.
where i will find the old script,
carved on a golden pillar,
that cradles the heart of mine.

i'm living in my own world.
where a glimmer of you,
grants a smile.

but as for now,
i'm still living in my own world..

magazines and fascinations.

i was at the Singapore International Photography Festival.
amazing works for sure.
i was surprise i didn't turn green with envy.
for once i did appreciate the amount of effort and hardwork those
photographers put into a series of work.
what caught my attention was a series about child labour in bangladesh.
stunning pictures. after 3 years of long awaited years,
the fruits of his labour was so captured beautifully.

after then came in a bottle of merlot.
wow, its like swallowing a huge capsule of despair.
alcohol works two ways.
it either makes you high or depressed.
for my case, it is the latter one.
i still can recall words like, 'its a pity deed'.
god. how it replays in my head like a spoiled record player.
how it slowly demeans you and dissolve all the inner confidence you have.
or the pride that used to beacon just dies down like a candle by the window.

i'm still shaken by the fact that i would never know, if i make an effort to.
or at least grow some balls to do it.
this feeling of paranoia has taken its toll on me, long ago,
but yet i still let it eat in me.
i was told to discard it away, like how i was.
i was told that it should disappear, like magic.
i was told so many things. so many times.
but it still prevails.

why....

dumbfucked.

wow. the brain is shrinking.

i am so dumb.

accident happens but this is MAJOR!

why they fuck would i do that.

this is my ultimate karma.

my ultimate shitass crap i've done in my whole fucking life.

omfg. why would i do that.

and the shit thing about it is that, once you do it, it cannot be undone.

wah. half my dignity just slashed into 3 billion pieces.

hahahaha. i do not know what to feel.

i want to be pissed.
laugh at my stupidity.